i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
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