Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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