yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Randomize
