You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Boobs speak an international language.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
