I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
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