im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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