I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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