Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
