Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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