We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
