I cannot find my penis.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
