Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
