too bad you live with your parents still
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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