alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
