I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
