I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
