Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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