I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Randomize
