Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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