no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
