i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
