woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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