don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
