Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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