Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
