I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
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