we're chasing vodka with high fives
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
