my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I'm fascinated by her cleavage. She has deep cleavage, but no obvious boobage to speak of. Check it out.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Randomize
