Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
