I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
