I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
