I can text with my tongue
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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