i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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