i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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