How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
