sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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