I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Randomize
