Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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