well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
