billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I wish there were birth control emojis
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
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