good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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