is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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