Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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