my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
