Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
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