She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
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