never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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