rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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