He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
i think i just lost a toe
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
