I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
