Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
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So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize