i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
