we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Randomize
