mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I came so hard my ears popped.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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