is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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