I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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