Sponge bath it is.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
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