Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Randomize
