Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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