Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
