I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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